One of the things that males always complain about is the amount of time a female spends in the bathroom. This is a fact. Now, I pride myself for being one of those females who doesn't spend too much time in the bathroom, in fact, I spend less time in the bathroom than some males I know. Why? Well, I am not one of those typical female sorts i.e. the ones who have to pluck their eyebrows everyday, endless amounts of makeup etc. So, you can imagine how irritated I get when I use a public toilet and after emerging, the BF asks me why I took so long... this is why.

So, two days ago, on the second day of the Chinese New Year, the BF thought that it would be a nice idea to take me for coffee in this "secret" place... which turns out to be Genting Highlands, this hillside "resort" type place that is close to Kuala Lumpur, a mere 40 minutes drive away. It was a VERY pleasant surprise and we both had a truly enjoyable day.

Anyways, during that trip, we both had to make a trip to the toilet at the same time. He emerged before I did (surprise, SURPRISE, SURPRISE!!!). Why? Well, if you look at the broad spectrum of things, females do tend to take longer in public toilets than males (for simplicity's sake, I will limit this story to the act of emptying one's bladder). This is due to the fact that females have to line up to get into the cubicles, we don't have the pleasure of peeing in front of total strangers (i.e. we don't use urinals). So, logically speaking, the mere fact that we have to go into a cubicle takes time as opposed to just unzipping and peeing against a wall (for those who need further explanation... this involves waiting for the other party to emerge, closing the door, fiddling with dubious locks to actually lock said door, fiddling with dubious locks to open said door and pushing past the next person waiting to use the toilet whose face is usually plastered against said door, thus blocking one's passage). Then, there is the process of "wiping" which involves digging through the handbag for copious amounts of tissue paper, wiping etc. All males do is "shake". The BF, (after reading this) asked why don't females take out the tissue paper before entering the cubicle as it would make the process ever more efficient. Well, the answer to this question is multifold but I shall limit myself to the following answers:

for ease of clothing removal, both hands are required to unzip / unbutton the garments (e.g. jeans) and grasping the toilet paper in between one's lips isn't feasible as one usually has lipstick on

sometimes fresh and clean tissue paper isn't available and if this is the case, one usually uses whatever scraps of tissue that is in one's handbag... we do not want the world to know that we use scraps of used tissue paper

as public toilets in Malaysia are renowned for not having toilet paper, sometimes we have limited amounts and just do not want to share our precious supply with total strangers

Figure 1 Source: Yuki

Figure 2 Source: Carie

Now, the process if further lengthened if the toilet is in fact one of those hole in the ground ones (see figure 1). These hole in ground ones are also known as "long drops"... this I found out recently from the BF... fairly common in outback New Zealand apparently. It takes time to squat down, make sure that items of clothing are not in the way of the stream of water etc. However, it also takes time if the toilet is in fact one of those above the ground ones (figure 2). This is due to the fact that toilet seats have to be wiped clean first before plunking one's arse on it.

Clean of what do I hear you males cry? Well, for some strange reason, finding a dry toilet in Malaysia is a rarity... toilet seats are always wet (with the exception of those in 5 star hotels). This is due to those over zealous types who insist on pouring water on the toilet bowl, presumably to clean it (but it doesn't always work). For this reason, most public toilets in Malaysia have a hose connected to a working tap as shown in Figure 1 (flushing isn't enough for these people). But in all fairness, a fair number of Malaysians (particularly the Muslims from what I understand... could be a religious thing) wash their nether region after completing the act of body waste disposal. They "rinse" off... hence another reason to hoard tissue paper (see above). Then of course, there are those who somehow manage to get urine on the toilet seat i.e. they don't know who to clean themselves, thus soiling the toilet seat in the process. Males may find this repugnant but on more than one occasion, I have found menstrual blood on toilet seats!! [Side bar: I asked the BF what he would do should he find blood on a toilet seat... he said that he'd go to another toilet. Most males would I presume. Interesting... I have found that males find the idea of menstrual blood disgusting ] And finally (you males will find this truly enlightening), there are those who actually CLIMB ON TOP of the toilet bowl in order to relieve themselves. This is true. You would NOT believe the number of times I've found shoe prints on toilet seats. Denied of one of those hole in the ground ones (see figure 1 above), some women climb on top of the toilet seat and squat. Why they do this I can only hazard a guess... perhaps the toilet seat was dirty before they got to it and since they don't have strong thigh muscles, they opt to balance precariously ON the toilet seat thus eliminating skin contact with said seat. This I find hysterical... I mean, can you imagine a female in a short mini skirt and stilettos climbing on a toilet, balancing precariously on thin bits of porcelain? I wonder just how many females have fallen into toilet bowls. Balancing oneself whilst perched on a toilet cannot be easy... do they use their arms and the walls of the toilet stall to prop themselves up? Do they hold on to the toilet seat? Do they face front or back? Do clothes tear in the process? Or do they simply remove their bottom clothes before climbing on. Hmmmm... unexplained questions I have. This however is all obsolete if one has strong thigh muscles and opts not to sit but suspend ones buttocks above the toilet bowl to pee... but then, one's aim has to be spot on, for fear of bodily waste landing on one's clothes or shoes .

Now, aside from the process described above, women in Malaysia take longer in toilets than males. This is due to the waiting process which I have found only to be true in Malaysia and believe me when I say that I have emptied my DNA into a fair few public toilets scattered around the world. Women of Malaysia, take note... this is a MALAYSIAN phenomenon, truly mind boggling.

Now, for some strange reason, when using public toilets Malaysian women suddenly become totally illogical... any ounce of commonsense that they may possess flies out the window when entering a public toilet facility. Women here do NOT know how to wait for free toilet stalls... they know how to wait in line to get cinema tickets, how to pay at the cashier (well, this one is debatable), how to obtain fast food etc but they do NOT know how to wait in public toilets.

I need diagrams to illustrate this. Hmmm... Diagram keys:

	=	toilet stall a		=	person 1
	=	toilet stall b		=	person 2

If you go into a busy women's public toilet in Malaysia, this is what you would find. You would find the stalls occupied and people waiting as close as they possibly dare to the closed toilet door (figure 3). It is as if they are afraid that other people would cut in front of them. These people wait so closed to waiting doors that it ain't funny!! If the doors open outward, it is guaranteed that they'd get a huge whack in the face.

Figure 3 People stand mere millimetres to the closed toilet stall door

So, if it is a busy day for the public toilet, a line forms as depicted below in figure 4.

Figure 4 A line forms...

So, when say person 2 finally enters the stall, person 5 rushes (and I do mean RUSHES) over to take her place. This process is repeated again and again and again until the toilet facility is devoid of people e.g. when person 1 goes in, person 6 would take her place and person 7 moves up the hierarchy...

Figure 5 Person number 5 rushes over to wait her turn.

Now, this process is illogical. I mean, what happens if person 2 has a bad case of food poisoning or something, perhaps her tampon got stuck up her being, perhaps she needs to be alone to cry for a while etc. Basically, person 5 would be waiting till she leaves and person 5 could be waiting for a fair while whilst person 9 could is already relieving herself.

Figure 6 15 minutes later, person 5 is still waiting to get access to a toilet.

Using this system is like gambling... you are gambling on that person inside a particular stall i.e. hoping and praying that she would not need a long time. Now, this I find illogical. Wouldn't it be so much easier and efficient if one just forms a line BEFORE the toilet stalls (see figure 7) and not wait directly in front of a cubicle? Instead of gambling on ONE person, you are taking your chances with the rest of the cubicles.

Figure 7 People should form a line before the toilet stalls.

By using this system, person 5 (remember her? The one waiting for person 2 to finish) would get to relieve herself as soon as a toilet cubicle becomes empty and not have to wait for eternity for person 2 to finish.

Figure 8 Ahhhh... person 1 is done, in goes person 5.

Makes sense doesn't it? One would think that this is the most logical way to go but noooooooo this isn't the case here. When I was up in Genting that fateful day, I walked into the ladies and the scenario represented in figure 4 was happening. To make things worse, there were more than 7 people waiting to use the facilities. Needless to say, I was not impressed...

So there I was, waiting in line for my turn...

Figure 9 That's me

When the DOOR to toilet "b" became available, I refused to budge. When person 7 went into toilet "c", I refused to budge and lo and behold, the person standing behind me, person 11 started to push past me!!

Figure 10 Me not moving

Ooooohhh... of all the nerve. So the hand comes up to block her passage and I very nicely say to her, there is a line. The look of confusion on her face... priceless hehehe.... A line was forming behind me and thankfully, no one else tried pushing past me... I guess that being taller than the average Asian gal helps sometimes .

Figure 11 Line forming behind me.

So, I FINALLY get to go in to do my business and what happens when I emerge? Yawp... chaos reigns again *sigh*.

Figure 12 Malaysian organisation at its best!!

This is one of the better scenarios... oh don't get me started on those scenarios where there are two entrances to a set of toilet cubicles... in this situation, Malaysian women REALLY get confused... but I'll leave that to another story. There is only so much one can write about toilets in Malaysia .

Figure 13 Two line forms... who gets the right of way I wonder??

I wonder which is harder to change... the way women line up in public toilets in Malaysia or the time women take in bathrooms?

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