24 February 2004 :: Here we go again...

So, I've a confession to make... I started smoking again... and let me tell you, it was GOOD!!! Yes, yes, yes... I am an addict. I sound like one and I behave like one. Why did I start smoking again? Well, in a moment of weakness, I gave into the temptation. You see, me and a girlfriend of mine entered this local reality show contest. I don't know how, but we actually got in!! Anyways, as I am bound by the confidentiality agreement I signed, I can't write much about it. As this race is a physically demanding one, we decided to take our gym training to a new level... this is one of the reasons why I quit to begin with. I told myself that if I got in, I'd quit (amongst the other reasons I stated in my Diary Of A Non Smoker). So, we got in, I quit. However, we got eliminated during the very first round and our spirits just crashed. After we crossed the finishing line, did our mandatory interviews etc we looked at each other and then almost wordlessly, asked the tv production crew for a ciggie each... this happened three times.

So, that was in early December. After the race, I stuck to my non smoking pact. But as morale was down, I stopped going to the gym as often as I did before the race, I was eating a whole lot (trust me when I say that the cravings was UNBELIEVABLE even though I was on the 5mg nicorette patch at that time) etc. I put on 7kgs!! My jeans wouldn't fit. There was (and still is) lovely, LOVELY lumps of wriggly fat emerging on my being etc. EVERYONE and I do mean EVERYONE told me I'd put on weight. Come New Year's Eve... it all started again. I met up with my racing buddy at this party... both of us were in a foul, FOUL mood and I gave into temptation. On my way over to the party, I called her up... "want some ciggies?" I ask. She told me that SHE was planning on calling me and asking me the exact same thing. I got to the party, both of us went out on the balcony and lit up. We thought that we'd only smoke one day out of a year... i.e. every New Year's Eve... we thought that that could be done. We were WRONG.

On New Year's day, I woke up with a hang over, I still had some ciggies left over from the night before, I decided not to waste it and that after that pack was empty, that was it. Didn't work that way. After I finished the pack, I started scumming from the BF. Not a whole lot mind you, just the occasional one every two hours or so. Then I was chucked into this office environment where EVERYONE smoked and that just threw me across the line. I suffered in a smokey, cramped office environment for the morning and during lunch, that was it... I went out and got myself a pack of ciggies. The rest as they say is history... I resumed my pack a day habit. Proud of this, I am NOT. I wasted all my effort, I wasted all my money on nicotine patches and I wasted all that weight I put on. I let down a lot of people. LOVELY.

So, after a month and a half of absolutely killing my lungs and health, I think that the time has come to stop again. Why? Well, the main reason is that I have noticed that my stamina at the gym is WAY WAY down... this I attribute to the fact that I was smoke free for 3 months. I USED to be able to finish a body pump class then hit the cardio machines for at least 45 minutes... now, I feel dizzy half way through pump class. Another catalyst, well, I will be going off to NZ with the BF next week... that's a 12 hour flight!! Grrr... smokers out there would know that being enclosed in a cramped environment with no ciggies is TORTURE in it's purest forms. Then, we will be staying at his mate's place, one of whom is a doctor who is a BIG TIME anti smoker... Well, this isn't the real reason but is a good enough catalyst for me to quit and to quit now.

At the time if writing, I have been smoke free for the past 2 hours... "joy"... a 15mg nicorette patch is firmly stuck to my right thigh. Truth be know, I tried quitting 3 days ago... I was doing "fine" for the first two days... then come yesterday, I got stressed out... nearly killed people, couldn't be bothered sticking on a patch and went out to get a pack of ciggies. Pack is now empty, patch is now on my thigh. FYI, females should NOT try to quit smoking when it is THAT time of month... stupid excuse I know but hey... actually, all the reasons why I started smoking again is stupid... I don't have strong will power .

So on Day 1 (again), here is my inspiration to quit smoking:

Bryan Lee Curtis, then 33, holds son Bryan Jr., 2, in this March 29 photo. Curtis would die about two months later.

On the day of Bryan's death, June 3, wife Bobbie and son Bryan keep a bedside vigil. The recent photo of father and son is on the bed.

You can read more about Curtis' plight at He Wanted You To Know

2 March 2004 :: Ooohh I am a LOOOOSER!! I started writing this story on 24 February... one week later, I am still a smoker. Gawd knows how this happened (well, am a weak willed person who easily gives into temptation), but I am still a smoker. Had my last pack of smokes on Sunday... had a few sticks yesterday, scummed a few sticks off the BF today... will this vicious cycle never end??!! Grrr...!!!!!!

So anyhows, there I was this morning, smoking the last of my "scummed of the BF ciggies" when I opened this email:

Hi Puffergal,

I came across your site while researching on tips for smoking cessation. I so enjoyed reading your diary and skipped an hour and half of work just browsing stuff on your site. I too, have 2 biggest passions in my life: smoking and diving. And I feel that I can greatly relate to your experience. I'm on my first day of quit-smoking plan but have already forgotten why I wanted to do it the first place. After reading your diary I managed to gain back some incentives. I think I've finally found a support system that works for me. I've bookmarked your site and planned to read it whenever my will power is going weak.

Congrats on your new status of being a non-smoker. Hopefully I will soon join your club. And lastly I'd like to say again how much I enjoy your site. You're an inspiration!

A soon-to-be-non-smoker from Canada,
XXXX

The GUILT GUILT GUILT GUILT GUILT GUILT of it all... well, XXXX you know who you are. You have successfully guilt me into being a non smoker . Looks like the both of us are starting our quit smoking plan on the same day. Oh crikey... this sure is ironic. I was supposed to be the "support system" and it takes a "new to the quitting zone" person to kick my sorry arse into gear!! My quit meter (located on the top of this page) has now been modified and I have been smoke free for a pathetic (but somewhat eternal) 8 hours and 44 minutes. Wish me luck!!!

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