). I do NOT make it a habit to go and spy on people whilst they are using the bathroom . During a job interview I recently had, I told my potential employer that I loved writing... she asked me what I wrote about... racking my brain... I blurted out "anything... I can write a story about toilet paper...". I don't know why toilet paper was the first topic to pass through my lips at that particular moment in time (she wasn't put off by the idea at all... she was amused, thank gawd . Needless to say, I did spit out other topics eg. Freud, evolution, Cornwell etc. Now, I want to see if I can indeed write a short story on toilet paper. Let us begin...
Let's see, where should I start?? Toilet paper is very important... more so to the hygienic female than it is to any male. This is true. Think about it... females are thought to wipe themselves ermmmm "down there" (am going for a PG13 rating here ) every time they take a pee. Males on the other hand do not... they only use toilet paper when 1. they want to blow their nose, 2. when they want to stop themselves from bleeding after shaving and 3. when they want to clean themselves after taking a dump. Well, we tend to pee more than we take a dump so naturally, females use more toilet paper than males. The choice of toilet paper is almost remarkably important... perhaps I am a little spoilt here but the recycled toilet paper, well... it is rather harsh... rather like using find sandpaper... as much as I am for recycling, toilet paper isn't really an option. The female anatomy is rather sensitive "down there" and using recycled toilet paper can cause some sensitivity if used to frequently.
In one of the episodes of Seinfeld, this sitcom, Elaine (one of the characters) was stuck in a toilet cubicle without any toilet paper. She asked the person in the next cubicle to pass her one or two squares. Now, this strikes me as being a little weird... one or two squares of toilet paper is NOT enough for the female to thoroughly clean herself after taking a pee. Use your imagination here for a moment. Drops of urine tend to get stuck to public hair and well, can lead to a fair amount, regardless of the length of the pubes. So, if a female uses a mere one or two squares of toilet paper, it is safe to say that she is going to get urine all over her hands. Then, when she bends down to pull up her underwear, the urine is going to get transferred to her clothes as well... not a pretty picture that one!! And if this happens often enough during the day... she might end up smelling like a walking toilet.
Then of course, more toilet paper is needed when a female is menstruating. Heaps of paper is needed to wipe the blood off (for the benefit of you males out there, it can get a little messy, more so if the female is wearing pads instead of tampons). The same scenario as the urine applies here. If adequate toilet paper isn't used, blood is bound to get wiped off on the clothes.
Toilet paper is used to clean the butt after one takes a dump. Ever taken a dump when a little piece of ermmm shit is left behind. You use the toilet paper available only to realise that instead of cleaning yourself up, you have successfully managed to smear the shit all over your arsehole region. Then, you further use more and more paper to clean yourself up. Supposing one or two squares of toilet paper is used, you could end up with a hand smeared with shit. Yucks! Speaking of shit... I know this is true... you look into the toilet bowl every time you have finished taking a dump don't you? I am pretty sure that you are curious to see what your body throws away... the amount, consistency, texture etc. I am digressing away from my story here. Anyway, seeing that humans use so much toilet paper, you would think that manufacturers are in fact aware of this fact and why don't they make bigger toilet rolls? It is a pain having to keep filling up the toilet roll holder (is that what you call it?).
Toilet paper can be a source of embarrassment to a person. It's true. Say you are at a house party and you use the toilet. Then, much to your embarrassment, you find that there is no toilet paper in the toilet. You search high and low, through all the cupboards available and you don't find any. Now, do you ask your host for some (what happens if you have already taken a dump and then realise that there isn't any?) or do you ignore the fact that you haven't cleaned yourself up and just walk away, knowing that if there is a person waiting to use the toilet outside, that person would know that you aren't a very hygienic person. If you have already gone about your business and you desperately want toilet paper, what do you do? Stick you head out the door and yell for some? The whole place would then know that you need toilet paper and that you are probably standing behind the door with your underwear at your ankles (after you somehow managed to hop to the door). You would probably get embarrassed because the whole world would then know that you have just done some dirty business and the host would get embarrassed for not having toilet paper in the toilet would mean that he or she is a bad host.
Supposing that there was a little bit of toilet paper left, you use the entire lot and then walk out. Do you smile apologetically at the next person waiting to use the toilet and tell them that you have finished it or do you just walk away? This ploy (telling the next party) would work if you didn't use any toilet paper (because there wasn't any) and you don't want the next party to know that you aren't a very hygienic person (as described in the earlier paragraph).
Now picture this... you are at a party... there are heaps of people there and you go into the bathroom to wash your hands. You close the door (out of politeness) and use the toilet paper to dry your hands. There isn't a bin anywhere in sight so you chuck it down the toilet bowl. Much to your horror, you discover that the water pressure in the place is horrible and there isn't enough water for you to flush the paper away. Actually, this scenario applies to when you do answer the calls of nature, come to think about it. Anyways, do you just leave the toilet bowl unflushed or do you patiently wait for the thingimajig to fill up so that you can flush properly? Or are you one of those impatient ones who regardless of the amount of water in the cistern flushes in ardent hope that there is enough water in there to flush away the evidence of your presence in the bathroom? Or perhaps you are the kind of person who would leave the toilet bowl filled with your excrement as a wonderful surprise for the next person.
Can't think of anything else to say... my gawd... I can indeed write a story on toilet paper!! Is that good or bad ????
